PAMELA KOHLL

INTIMACY THERAPIST

Love addiction refers to those times we become dependent on the object of our love. We attach ourselves to others and take care of them at our own expense, or we try to control them, so they will meet our needs at their expense. Common themes of the love addict are:

An escalation of behavior occurs when the love object threatens to leave us physically or psychologically. Dependent love is always self serving. It survives on myths. “I will take care of your fears and inadequacies so you will take care of mine. If you fail me, I will do whatever it takes to keep you around.”

What is Sex Addiction?  Sex Addiction is is a pathological relationship with a mood altering experience that includes deprivations and excesses. It is a maladaptive behavior involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity that results in negative consequences. The addiction is called a process addiction or a behavioral addiction like that of a gambler, the overeater or a compulsive exercise fanatic. At the core of a sex addict is this belief system:

Behaviors an addict may engage in, include:

Human intimacy is evolution’s most current experimental novelty. Sex and love addiction therapy is a relatively new area of mental health therapy. Neurobiology has opened up the study of this area of addiction with the use of functional MRIs that let researchers study the brains of living beings as they observe pornography or research and monitoring of the brain in the initial stages of falling in love. One of the many conclusions learned is that both of these studies show activity in the pleasure center of the brain, the limbic system, the same area of the brain that is lit up when a person ingests cocaine. This tells us that sex addiction, limerence (the beginning stages of love, also called the honeymoon period) and using altering chemicals all affect the brain in the same way.

My message to you is that you are not alone, thousands of people have been diagnosed with sex and or love addiction and have received help through treatment programs, both outpatient and inpatient. I specialize in Sexual Anorexia, defined as an aversion to sexual intimacy. It is the opposite end of the spectrum of sex addiction and manifests in deprivation. People who are sexually anorexic will avoid sex and sometimes even touching at all costs. In our work together, I will help you explore the origins of where and when this began, and create a treatment plan to get you to a place of healthy sexuality with yourself and/or your partner, if you have one, or a future partner, if this is your goal.

How Does a Person Become a Sex Addict?  

It’s no surprise that a Sex Addict is often from a family containing one or more addicts. While not true for all, what is common is growing up in a difficult family situation and experiencing trauma from a young age, few or many, big or small, and not having the traumas attended to compassionately by the major care giver(s). These early traumatic experiences teach a child not to trust. The child is forced to find a way to soothe their own pain and deal with not having their basic nurturing needs met. In a landmark study done by Patrick Carnes, 85% of sex addicts come from a rigid, disengaged family home with a high degree of religiosity.

“A trauma is a circumstance in which an event overwhelms or exceeds a person’s capacity to protect his or her psychic well being and integrity. Trauma is a collision between an event and a person’s resources, where the power of the event is greater than the resources available for effective response and recovery.” —Cloitre, et al 2006

The original and/or continual traumatization, big or small, of a person, particularly, but not exclusively in childhood, becomes overwhelming in that the person dissociates from reality. This trauma and dissociation creates patterns of brain pathways that become ingrained. Later in life as a teenager and adult this dissociation can be mimicked by drugs, alcohol or out of control sexual behaviors. Simply put, a person will use mood altering means to dissociate from painful emotions or just the monotony of daily life. As children, teenagers, then adults, this pattern progresses to searching for something outside of self to rely on to relieve pain, loneliness and anxiety.

It begins in childhood/adolescence with compulsive masturbation and then for the sex addict sex continually becomes the priority for which they sacrifice everything.In many cases a person is cross addicted using drugs and alcohol in a cascading effect to fuel the sex addiction.

Addiction is a primary, committed pathological love relationship between a person and a mood altering experience for a singularly pleasurable rewarding experience.

Many people are cross addicted, meaning that substances are used along with a behavioral addiction. In some cases with a behavioral addiction like sex addiction, an individual will use drugs or alcohol to enhance the sexual experience, deepening the downhill slide inherent in the addicted lifestyle.

In my practice, you are held accountable to address all areas of your lifestyle to determine where the excesses and deprivations lie.  In our work together, I can help you to understand your particular cycle of problematic addictive combinations.

These excesses and deprivations often include a combination of drugs, alcohol, work, money, love and sexuality, food, exercise, control, and codependency. The main focus is to establish personal equilibrium, a movement toward a fulfilling life in balance and moderation, with more joyful days than not.